Epic Rides

Tweet

It is 30 degrees outside and I am going to go ride my bike. It is 30 degrees and snowing, and sometimes raining, and I am going to ride my bike.

 It's days like this that I really reflect on my life choices. It is base time, and unfortunately because I live in New England that means that the weather in March is confused at best, raging poopwhistle at worst. You know what they say, March comes in like a lion, out like a lamb…Or in like a freight train carrying all the worst raw sewage from the bowels of what is left of winter and out like, I don't know, a puppy that looks friendly but has rabies and just bit you. I don't like March. Let's take it off the Calendar.

Anyway, March is when you see your Twitter and Facebook feeds blowup with people detailing their 'epic rides' or 'epic trainer ride.' It's March, and we're all a little portly and out of shape from ending our seasons and immediately throwing ourselves head first into the nearest bar. It's kind of like the kids getting out of school for the summer, but with alcohol and all the fries you can eat! So when we have to get back on the bike for base miles and the weather is less than ideal we're either forced onto the trainer, or outside in some sort of bicycle hazmat suit, everything gets a little epic. Then comes the inevitable wiener measuring contest to see who has ridden in the most epic fashion. For those who don't know trainer rides can be epic, even if you're weather-free indoors, simply because of the damage done to the party in your basement. Bikes oscillate, so they are happy when outdoors, when clamped to a trainer YOU do the oscillating, turning your crotch into a belt sander of despair.

So to throw my lot in with everyone else, this week I went on an epic ride.

It started with the usual internal battle. Weather is shit. It is snowing, it is raining, it is freezing cold, DO NOT WANT. Then comes the compromising. Ok fine, so the weather is shit, no problem, I'll just ride the trainer. Next, the realization. Wait, I need to ride for 2 hours. On the trainer, BUTT TORTURE. Bargaining. Ok, ok, I'm going to put all my clothes on and just get on the bike and start pedaling. I'll go as far as I can, and if I get too cold I'll just finish on the trainer. Deal struck.

So I get home from work; time to put my kit on. Unfortunately dressing for winter riding is the equivalent of dressing a 2 year old to go out and play in the snow, and probably takes as long. It comes with the same problems too. For my winter or summer garb choices I prefer to wear bib shorts, rather than anything with a waist band. It's way more comfortable because it doesn't feel like you're getting gut-strangled by a python, and it has the added bonus that if you crash your pants don't get ripped off. This is a win-win. The problem with bib shorts is that you have to take off any added layers to get down to the bib straps, which you then have to manually take off so you can sit down and pee. I REALLY wish I could just pee out of the side of my shorts like the rest of you man-jerks but I can't, so this means that sometimes I get to the door all bundled up and my idiot bladder goes, 'I have to pee! GOT YOU.' Commence disrobing.

So on this epic day, it was quite cold and miserable, and while I do have a very large collection of cycling clothes I sort of ended up putting on everything in my closet, and the kitchen sink, and some other stuff...

Winter has no idea what is about to hit it.

...As I said before, ninjas and cycling are two things close to my heart, and sometimes I really cannot help but combine them. Regardless, the way that I am psyching myself up for this ride is to FIGHT WINTER, Mortal Kombat style (With some help from Photoshop).

Did you think I was kidding?

I think the only thing that I succeeded in doing with this outfit besides keeping my body temperature at acceptable levels was to frighten my housemates, and anyone that I came across outside. 

So outside I went and I have to tell you that I was pretty pleased with my ability to dress myself (a skill I've only recently acquired). Ski goggles it turns out work just as well for winter bike rides as they do when you're doing that sweet backside 360 on the mountain. What I mean by this of course is that it increases your style points, and possibly keeps snow out of your eyes. However, my smugness over my choice of garb quickly dissolved into annoyance when I realized that keeping my nose warm meant fogging said ski goggles. Commence the stage of pulling the fabric on and off my nose and grumbling to myself. I'm sure for those lone stragglers on the bike path this also made for an increasingly weird picture as I rode by them swearing under my breath.

Either way, I was outside, and I was conquering the weather, still leaving me mostly self-satisfied. HA! I am outside getting in hours, everyone else is inside crying into their DVD player. I am WINNING.

 Oh shit.

What I apparently forgot is that you cannot K.O. the weather. As my epic ride progressed and the temperature dropped I finally started to get cold. How could this be possible? My disguise was perfect! How could the winter have found me? Oh right, it's WINTER, and it is patient and calculating. Nose is cold, toes are cold. Crap. In my overzealousness I figured I would stay as warm and upbeat as I had been when the ride began.

Let's go on an eventually relevant tangent for a moment. This year I got a brand new CycleOps Joule to measure the thousands and thousands of watts that I put out every ride. This particular brand of power-measuring device is excellent because it is able to measure watts into the tens of thousands, which are numbers that I frequently produce. I broke my last power meter because it simply could not handle the watts. This brand new Joule also gives me other awesome measurements, like how many cookies I am allowed to consume after riding, and temperature. Oh temperature. I don't like this feature. I don't want to know how cold I am, but you, Troll-Joule, you insist on telling me.

It's 30 degrees!

Damnit.

Ok I'm cold, and possibly a little miserable. I need cookies and a hot shower, but I must pedal to these things. Did I mention that now I'm soaked, and my VAM is at 170! 170, my God! (I don't know what VAM means, so I will make an educated guess. Voraciousness About M&Ms. I think 170 means that my need to consume M&Ms is hitting dangerous levels.)

Now comes the part of the ride that I hate, especially when I've already hit my VAM maximal level. Pedaling home. I want to step inside a magical transporter that takes me directly into my house. These are expensive though, and given that I am an aspiring professional athlete I don't have the funds for one. Every pedal stroke is making me more soaked, and colder and colder. Somehow, however I keep doing this novel pedaling motion and it does, eventually, take me to my place of residence. The feeling of walking back into a well-lit, moderately well-heated, enclosed building is tantamount to drinking the elixir of life, or maybe drinking a beer in the shower. However, all this constant psyching myself up has left me pretty tired. Winter will finally have it's moment.

 I'm ready for it, Sub Zero, crush me.

Winter, 1. Frances, 0.

At the end of the day, while I did make it home in one piece, (with a bunch of staged, poorly photoshopped pictures to boot!) I think that I will give this round to winter. I'm sure that I will venture out again for many more rounds, and probably lose them all, but getting beat down makes you stronger in the long run. Or makes you sick. I really hope I don't get sick, again.

Mortal Kombat elements thanks to http://www.mortalkombatwarehouse.com Photoshopping and Photographs by Frances Morrison